Editor’s Note: If you didn’t think that LukeNukem’s live perspective of the NCAA Championship game was conclusive enough, well, you’re in luck. This dingleberry wrote the exact same article (with even some of the same metaphors and similes) only while he was watching his TV. Read it anyway. It’s funny stuff.
Author’s Note: This was drafted as I watched the NCAA Men’s Championship Game. Everything is at least an original thought, though possibly “cleaned up” as I was typing quickly trying not to miss anything relevant. I was also participating in TFN’s first fantasy baseball draft. I was the only one who did a live draft. So if I win, we’ll know why. If I lose, we’ll know why. I had no special game-time dish. Just water and my laptop. The times are the time remaining in the half. I know, I know, LukeNukem wrote this very same article. But who cares? You’re going to read my article and chuckle a bit. And you know I’m going to include a picture of a hot chick. So there.
Lasting thoughts: I think the game was so-so. Perhaps it was because I wasn’t vested in the winner. What I saw was a game of fundamental basketball without any true highlights. I thought the first half was better than the second. The second half just lacked the “big time” plays, like the big 3’s we’ve come to know and love through the tournament. Had Hayward hit that final shot, though, I think the game would have been one of the most memorable. Instead, it goes down as a hard-fought, slightly enjoyable game.
Onto the diary…
17:20—Zoubek looks like a giant asshole. But then again, I can’t believe I’m rooting for Butler.
16:50—Butler fans cheer for a Hayward dunk. It was 3 seconds after a foul. Way to go, d-bags. 6-1 duke. I have a feeling this doesn’t bode well for Butler.
There are a lot of white people on the floor; surprisingly, most belong to Duke.
16:24: Kellog emphasizes that Mack is “fine.”
16:00 Howard misses from 3 feet away, again. That concussion must be affecting him…that or the weed he smoked (he looks like a giant hippie).
Foul, TV timeout.
What are the TV ratings for the Championship? How come the advertisers don’t try to step up their game? I mean, many people watch the Super Bowl for the commercials. Maybe if companies actually tried, people would also watch the tourney for the commercials. God, I’m a genius.
Ad for Hennifer Lopez movie. I didn’t think she was still relevant. Hollywood disagrees.
15:35: Singler reminds me of Russel Crowe’s imaginary roommate in a beautiful mind…only uglier. (Author’s note: I arrived at this thought completely independently of LukeNukem)
Lucas Oil Stadium looks pretty full. I wonder if all 42,000 of Butler’s alum made it out.
Howard misses both free throws.
Big 3 for Butler by Mack. Is this WVU/UK all over again?
13:52: Mack gaffles a Duke whitey. Howard runs around like crazy…makes me think I could play center for Butler.
8-7 Duke. Seriously?
13:41: Haven’t heard much about the “Hoosiers” storyline. Thank God.
13:20: Hayward glides “unwhitelike” for a tip in.
God, Zoubek travels, remains asshole. Refs don’t care.
Told ya. Just in case you were getting as bored with reading about this game as I was with watching it, here's something else to look at.
12:42: Hahn shoots from about 40 feet away; makes it. Wow.
Crowd going crazy…14/13 Butler.
Singler gets the Dookies (ha, dookies) into it with a 3 of his own.
11:18: At this point, my wife says she’s going to bed to read. “Don’t you want to watch the game?” I ask. “I don’t give a shit,” she replies.
I don’t remember how this got started, by then my wife proclaims, “Don’t blame my mom for your mom’s faults.”
9:17: My wife is a lot more interesting than the game right now, and that is sadly not a sexual innuendo. This game is just really damn boring.
Refs are being really inconsistent with their calls. At some points you think they’re “gonna let ‘em play.” Then they call some ticky-tack stuff. It’s going both ways…just like your mom.
8:00: No foul while Hayward nearly dies. Cut to commercial, CBS plays angsty emo songs, all of which are probably in most of the Butler’s fans iPods.
Another no call on Duke…surprise, surprise.
6:22: Duke leads 21-20. At least it’s close. You gotta watch the Duke players though. They move really well and set good screens, despite being over-privileged tools.
In my freetime, I’ve been reading the final Harry Potter book. Coach K reminds me of/looks like Voldemort. Butler’s coach is young and reminds me of Harry Potter. Why didn’t CBS play THAT angle? Or heck, since they were plugging Clash of the Titans…they could have cut to Liam Neeson saying “Release the Cracken!” and then show Zoubek.
"Harry Potter and the Douche-ly Hallows," coming to theaters soon!
Butler guys had to go to class. Unfair.
I just remembered that LukeNukem is at this game. As a matter of fact, Zoubek reminds me of him…only LukeNukem’s slightly less douchey.
Clark passes sage advice at the 2:44 mark: “Veasley’s really gotta think about pulling it out.”
Jones stuffs himself on dunk. Gets putback.
1:19 left. Butler’s got Duke playing Butler’s game. Slow and sloppy.
Every time they mention Scheyer’s name, I keep thinking of the Lord of the Rings and the “Shire.” Maybe it’s because he reminds me of one of the “side hobbits.” Pippen or Marron, or however you spell/say their names.
12 seconds left, I was expecting a “floor slap” by one of the Butler defenders. I am left disappointed.
Half-time:
UPS commercial: God, I hate that guy. What is with his hair? Who the hell is he?
Pats fan holding up billboard behind Greg Gumble. God, what a Masshole.
CBS shows Huggins caressing Da’Sean Butler. This made me feel really uncomfortable, especially when Huggins started stroking Butler’s cheek.
Wife and I listened to Chris Hansen Prank Calls. 18:14 left in the game.
So, if you’re a speedy point card you can have your way with Duke.
14:54: Wife and I are arguing about frozen turkey and old celery. 40-40.
13:10: Announcers say “Hayward.” Wife replies “Hayward Jablowme”
April 30: Appropriate time to release a Freddy Krueger movie.
Charging is such a bailout call…especially when a dookie hopsteps into the path.
11:52 left. This can get out of hand quick, Duke up 4.
Ha! BK jokingly admits to ripping off McDonalds. I give them credit for that one. On the other hand, I remove the credit for their food tasting like shit.
11:20: Duke up 2, Butler stays calm.
10:46: Hayward stepping up. You get the feeling that he’s about to shoulder the load. We’ll see; he’s got 8 right now. And hits 2 free throws to make it 10 and keep Duke’s lead at 2.
I just really feel that Butler is attempting to sprint, while Duke is still jogging, meaning that I just feel Duke is looking over their shoulder, just to see when Butler thinks they’re actually going to win and then they’re going to step it up and win by 13. 7:58 left, so we’ll see.
6:04: Butler can’t finish.
Zoubek thinking he’s fighting David in the Old Testament hurls the basketball to the other end of the court, resulting in a back court violation. Still an asshole (no relation to Tim Tebow).
Howard getting some easy points and slowing down the clock. Give the kid credit, he’s trying.
At first I thought it was a cheap shitty foul by Thomas (on Hayward), but I admit, I was wrong. Duke still sucks.
5:07: I really have to thank Clark for calming me down. I actually grew up listening to Clark, he used to call Pacers games with Bobby “Slick” Leonard. You know, when the Pacers had class…and were relevant.
Hayward hitting clutch free throws.
As biased as I’ve been, CBS shows the stat: Duke 3/3 in the half on fts. Butler 12/14. Eh, you gotta wonder which way the refs are slanting now…sorry Duke fans.
Clark throwing out more sexual innuendo, noting that Singler is “Making sweet music.”
AHHHH! Jim Nance cited the Hoosiers reference. Damn you! Then CBS hit the inspirational music showing the Butler team.
I just saw that the Royals lost to the Tigers. They were up 4-1, then gave up 6 runs in the 7th inning. Stupid Royals.
Butler with one of their typical shooting droughts. The difference this time is that Duke can score. Though they’re not taking full advantage.
3:05 left.
Back and forth, Howard scores after the Singler travel. Clark notes that “If Butler doesn’t score, they can’t win.” Brilliant insight.
1:30 left.
Howard scores again. Where was this earlier? The THC must have worn off.
49.4 left. Duke up 1.
Wow! Zoubek throws Howard without a call. Then Zoubek gracefully kicks the ball out of bounds.
13.6 left. Butler down one. Wow.
Hayward misses. Zoubek misses the 2nd one on purpose (good call). Hayward almost hits it from half court.
Game over….Duke wins.
For the record, you may have copied off Luke or he may have copied off you, but both of you copied off Bill Simmons… Burn!!!!
Your point?