I’m not sure, but I think our editor may have finally learned his mistake when he asked me to cover this fantasy baseball league. I mean, honestly, three updates in 10 weeks? What the eff? Who do I think I am? And, more importantly, where are the nachos I was promised when I started? Maybe I’d be a little more inclined to write timely updates if I wasn’t so damn hungry for nachos all the time.
Regardless, I figured I had better get an update written before all you crazed fans start flooding my inbox with tens of emails full of derogatory comments about my parents, my personal grooming habits, etc… (BTW, the Maestro gave me a balm that he promised would clear that rash right up). If this harassment continues, I’ll have to retain Jackie Chiles to sue the bedazzled jeans off of you abusive punks.
As we move through all of the weeks that I haven’t reported on and into Week 10, things are heating up in the FA-Holes league. Masshole4Life (ringer) has moved to the top of the standings, with ninja White Chocolate and wife Johnny Hammahsticks! rounding out the top three. Here’s a look at the current (slightly blurry) standings:
This week, I will attempt to drag White Chocolate down where he belongs. I plan to do this by once again ignoring my lineup and not making any player moves. A fantasy football leaguemate of mine once asserted that he felt he had a “rock-star” team and that he just needed to wait for them to start producing. Despite the fact that he ended up getting destroyed week after painful week, I figure that his bass-ackwards approach is the perfect fit for my fantasy baseball team, mostly because I’d rather spend my time chewing toenail clippings than watching baseball. This week, we have two ninja v ninja matchups and two ringer v wife matchups, so it should be interesting to see how things shake out. Here are the matchups:
I’ve been thinking recently (despite my hyperbolic statement about preferring to chew toenails) that maybe I should just bite the bullet and become a baseball fan. Not one of those uber-douchey fratboy fans, just a run-of-the-mill beer-bellied and slightly drunk half-witted casual baseball viewer. Maybe I’ll even buy a hat or a T-shirt to represent “my team.” However, my city doesn’t have a major league team of its own, so this leaves me in a situation where I get to choose what team I’m going to support. Problem is, I don’t really know anything about the teams in either division and I’m not sure who to root for. Chicago is close by and I’ve always had a penchant for supporting underdogs (my Colts blew goats for most of my childhood and adolescent years), but have you ever met a Cubs fan? These people have got to be the saddest lot of drooling, snot-nosed whiners on the planet. Is this really the kind of troglodyte I want to align myself with? Well, the answer is “yes,” mostly because I feel a strong kinship to drooling, snot-nosed troglodytes (why do you think we don’t have pictures of our actual ugly mugs on this site?). Also, for some reason no other team feels like the right “fit.”
For this week’s discussion I’d like to talk about baseball fandom. Who is your team? If you had it to do over again and could choose any MLB team to root for, who would it be? What do you think of Cubs fans (remember to be creative with your hate; style points will be awarded at the end of the week)?