I’m not sure, but I think our editor may have finally learned his mistake when he asked me to cover this fantasy baseball league. I mean, honestly, three updates in 10 weeks? What the eff? Who do I think I am? And, more importantly, where are the nachos I was promised when I started? Maybe I’d be a little more inclined to write timely updates if I wasn’t so damn hungry for nachos all the time.
"Who told you to put the balm on? You don't know what a balm's gonna do!" (wikipedia.org)
Regardless, I figured I had better get an update written before all you crazed fans start flooding my inbox with tens of emails full of derogatory comments about my parents, my personal grooming habits, etc… (BTW, the Maestro gave me a balm that he promised would clear that rash right up). If this harassment continues, I’ll have to retain Jackie Chiles to sue the bedazzled jeans off of you abusive punks.
As we move through all of the weeks that I haven’t reported on and into Week 10, things are heating up in the FA-Holes league. Masshole4Life (ringer) has moved to the top of the standings, with ninja White Chocolate and wife Johnny Hammahsticks! rounding out the top three. Here’s a look at the current (slightly blurry) standings:
Toxic Megacolon seems to have run out of snappy, anatomy-related team names.
This week, I will attempt to drag White Chocolate down where he belongs. I plan to do this by once again ignoring my lineup and not making any player moves. A fantasy football leaguemate of mine once asserted that he felt he had a “rock-star” team and that he just needed to wait for them to start producing. Despite the fact that he ended up getting destroyed week after painful week, I figure that his bass-ackwards approach is the perfect fit for my fantasy baseball team, mostly because I’d rather spend my time chewing toenail clippings than watching baseball. This week, we have two ninja v ninja matchups and two ringer v wife matchups, so it should be interesting to see how things shake out. Here are the matchups:
I'm going to beat White Chocolate like a rented mule this week. Wait and see.
I’ve been thinking recently (despite my hyperbolic statement about preferring to chew toenails) that maybe I should just bite the bullet and become a baseball fan. Not one of those uber-douchey fratboy fans, just a run-of-the-mill beer-bellied and slightly drunk half-witted casual baseball viewer. Maybe I’ll even buy a hat or a T-shirt to represent “my team.” However, my city doesn’t have a major league team of its own, so this leaves me in a situation where I get to choose what team I’m going to support. Problem is, I don’t really know anything about the teams in either division and I’m not sure who to root for. Chicago is close by and I’ve always had a penchant for supporting underdogs (my Colts blew goats for most of my childhood and adolescent years), but have you ever met a Cubs fan? These people have got to be the saddest lot of drooling, snot-nosed whiners on the planet. Is this really the kind of troglodyte I want to align myself with? Well, the answer is “yes,” mostly because I feel a strong kinship to drooling, snot-nosed troglodytes (why do you think we don’t have pictures of our actual ugly mugs on this site?). Also, for some reason no other team feels like the right “fit.”
For this week’s discussion I’d like to talk about baseball fandom. Who is your team? If you had it to do over again and could choose any MLB team to root for, who would it be? What do you think of Cubs fans (remember to be creative with your hate; style points will be awarded at the end of the week)?
OK, so I forgot about Cinci being closer than Chicago. The Chairman makes a good point that being a Reds fan would automatically entitle me to feel superior to fans of better teams, because it’s much more difficult to support a team that sucks harder than Lady Gaga on a coke straw than it is to cheer for a perennial powerhouse. My big problem with the Cincinnasty Reds? Their retardo mascot. A cartoon baseball? Really?? Yeah, that’s the coolest! What a great way to strike fear into the hearts of your opponents…a big, moon-faced cartoon baseball that looks like he got into his grandma’s stash of Valiums. You’d be better off choosing one of the thousands of songbirds that nature has provided for our sports mascots. Have you ever seen a pissed-off cardinal? I think they’re actually the sentient turds of Satan, with wings and talons. Terrifying. At least the Cubs had the good sense to choose a mascot capable of tearing your arms from their sockets before it calmly chews through your skull…ok, a baby version, but still.
Chairman Mao’s got a point, using geography. For me, that sets me up to be a Royals fan. Low expectations and you become part of a brotherhood where you can simply say, “Yep, we stink.” Then for any Cards fans, you can always bring up ’85. I mean, that’s all the Royals really have..
And Douche Doucherson: That’s because you’re probably using IE. Switch to Firefox and your crap filter should be working just fine.
Do not pick the Cubs, the vast majority of their fans are scummy scoundrels. While I’m sure there are ”good” Cubs fans, finding them is harder than trying to find a true Dave Matthews Band fan. They all claim they’ve been fans since the beginning, even though we know that most jumped on when slutty college girls started inexplicably wetting their rotten crotches over them. Choosing the other Chicago team is like begging to have a conversation with a Cubs fan, something I wouldn’t wish on Tim Tebow. Go with the geographically closest team, the Cinci Reds. Not only do you get to claim righteousness by liking a team with no fans or talent, their crappiness saves you from having to feign interest in a sport with apparent similarities to cricket.
I thought I had deleted your website from my own personal version of the internet. I must not have the “crap” filter set properly.
Being a life long Cubs fan – I hate you. We don’t want your kind – damn crack smokin’ swindler. You stink!
Suck it.