Saints and Sinners, July 25, 2011 by KCCB

Saints and Sinners by KC CocoaButter

Well, well, well…

After much cajoling and many, many calories consumed (both of the smoked meat and alcoholic variety), Editor and Web-pillager LukeNukem finally motivated me to get back to writing sub-par, barely readable articles.

The conversation went something like this:

KCCB pours Stoli and Bombay over ice; LN spikes a LaCroix with vodka.

KCCB:  You just need to tell me what to write.
LN:  Just write that Sunday thing you did.  You know, the ONE time you did it.
KCCB:  Saints and Sinners
LN:  I guess.  Whatever.

The tough part is…the summer, especially with the lockouts going on has been slow.  However, I did manage to come up with something.  So Enjoy

Saints
Okay, so I know nothing about soccer other than one uses their feet and I think I understand offsides now…maybe.  However, I rooted for the US team during women’s world cup because:
A)  The USA kicks ass.  If you disagree, you are wrong.
B)  The chance that one might take off her shirt
C)  The extremely remote chance that after victory, the team may start making out.

Anyway, I kind of get soccer.  And if you want to know MY take of why we lost–we played Marty ball.  Anyone who watched the final watched an approximate 70 minute onslaught of uber-aggressive soccer.  Granted, we didn’t convert on our attempts, but we were the scariest thing to hit the Japanese since Gojira.  However, when we hit our first goal, we changed strategy.  We played Marty-ball.  We started dinking it in the backfield and well…you know the rest.

Despite our short-coming, I identifed three saintly femmes:  Alex Morgan, Abby Wombach, and Hope Solo.

First, Alex Morgan is fast and kind of hot.  I don’t know, I could be wrong.  Maybe since there were a lot of fugs on the field, it made her look better.  Regardless, she scored crucial goals in the Semis and Finals.  Hope Solo is also kind of hot and had her defense been able to know right from left, she’s have probably been able to shut out the Japanese.  Abby Wombach?  Not hot, but she’s a friggin’ machine.  It was no surprise she went for all headers:  she was 1.72 times taller than her opposition.  It’s frustrating that their hard work was all for 2nd.

Darren Clarke–This is a great story.  Not only was he almost broke before winning, but this is how he celebrated:  www.­sbnation.­com/­golf/­2011/­7/­18/­2280925/­darren-­clarke-­british-­open-­2011-­results-­celebration  That’s right, he got blasted and didn’t sleep for 24 + hours.  Now that’s a saintly celebration.

Yao Ming
Sometimes Saints were good people and they were martyred while doing their good work.  Certainly, Yao wasn’t martyred, but we did lose him too soon.  A seemingly genuine guy, talented true center, and door-opener to China, Yao will be missed.  My favorite Yao moment:  Eat da head!

Sinners

Ah yes.  It’s Sunday.  The Lord’s day.  These folks need to ask forgiveness before they can be in communion with the rest of the sports world.

Carli Lloyd and the US Defenders.  Okay, I already mentioned that I know less than shit about soccer, but here’s what I do know–The ball is supposed to go into the goal.  Carli Lloyd’s PK that sailed over the goal was inexcusable.  Especially when this can happen on PKs:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ultDaICPTB4

The US Defenders:  Just keep the ball away.  It’s been a while since the finals (a week), but I remember when one defender tried to kick it out only to have the 2nd defender kick it back in the opposite direction.  WTF are you guys doing?!

Cedric Benson:  Just couldn’t behave could you?  You’re already struggling to keep your job in Cincinatti and then you pull this.  I believe good ol’ Ray Lewis prophesied that arrests would go up…and he knows about getting arrested.

I was going to mention David Salinas for scamming college coaches, but the guy shot himself.  And typically, college coaches are scumbags anyway.  So…I won’t.

Anyway, that’s it for now.  Tune in Wednesday for my Rumor Mill.  You’ll never guess the buzz I’m getting.

Keep it sweet, keep it smooth, like KCCB.